Elitist? . . Me?

I can’t believe it, but I’m getting complaints. I’m accused of elitism. It’s not elitism, it’s called noblesse oblige - we Chihuahuas have responsibilities. Chihuahuas are born to be adored leaders, firm but fair (ish). Collies, Kelpies, Huntaways and Corgis, for example, are born to work with sheep and cattle; Labradors collect shot birds (ugh) and St Bernards deliver brandy in the Alps. All dogs have different jobs. One of Pearl and Glen’s puppies actually works on a lifeboat!

Chester’s asked for a few minutes to consider what he was bred for: he’s trying to choose between dancing, rolling in fox poo and lying on the radiator.

There are days when he does all three, but I don’t lie on the radiator with him on those days.

I never asked to be transported to the Worcestershire wastelands. There are no pavements, no street lights, and you know what that means – no lampposts. It took me months to acclimatise.

I came here from a management role in the suburbs. The family I was living with decided to keep tropical fish. I kid you not. Fish in, Alfie out: it was a disgrace. I’d done all I could reasonably be expected to do. I’d rushed around the house, yapping hysterically, to alert them to strangers in the house – and for as long as there were strangers in the house. I’d assiduously cleaned up after the toddler’s mealtimes – sometimes not even waiting for him to drop food, but saving time by taking it off the plate. I cleaned the plate. I even cleaned the toddler! And I’d hate to think what state that child’s toys would have been in if I hadn’t constantly tidied them up.

But some people won’t be managed, so I was transferred down here. Gill claimed I was a rescue case, but didn’t specify who was being rescued. Anyway, Andy couldn’t say no. Chester was surprised to meet a dog that was smaller than he was. I really think he thought he was just a Border collie like the rest, or perhaps a Lurcher. Eris was Chester’s special friend until her legs started to get so long that the two of them grew apart.

As soon as I’d got over the shock I explained about the One True Breed. I think it’s lucky I turned up.

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